Saturday, September 9, 2006

By The Newz Czar

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – In an apparent attempt to destroy rock and roll music once and for all, al-Qaeda had planned to plant bombs in every guitar amplifier on every major concert tour in the United States. Al-Qaeda's plan was to infiltrate the the venues by inserting their own men as roadies, an easy task since neither group either showers or shaves. 

The plot was foiled by none other than Gene Simmons of KISS fame. Apparently, Mr. Simmons, Israeli by birth, has long been a covert Mossad operative. Simmons, along with KISS Army Special Forces uncovered a terrorist in Los Angeles this morning working on the Gigantour. The man was handling Megadeth front man Dave Mustaine's amplifier when Simmons and the KISS Army surrounded him. After a series of questions relating to the evolution of Metal from Black Sabbath to KISS to Atreyu, the terrorist began to cry and admitted his plan. Gene Simmons then diffused the bomb himself and removed it from the amp. After a few hours of interrogation, the al-Qaeda operative revealed the entire plot leading to a total of 34 arrests by late Saturday evening.

Mr. Simmons, always the self promoter, gave the following statement: "God Gave Rock and Roll To You, and KISS is here to save it! I will Shout It Out Loud, I Want You to Rock and Roll All Nite, Forever! Be sure to watch my show Gene Simmons Family Jewels on A&E."