Thursday, September 7, 2006

By The Newz Czar

PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA – Today's game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Miami Dolphins marks the beginning of the regular season of the National Football League, and those who sell beer could not be happier. This summer had some of the lowest beer sales figures in recent history. According to James Gerwinder, Secretary of the Department of Beer Consumption, the drop in beer purchases is due to the recent astronomical rise in gas prices. "It seems that people were much more interested in getting around than getting plastered," stated Gerwinder. 

Of course, there are always those who will drink beer no matter what, whether they are just "party guys" or full blown alcoholics. Unfortunately, this summer too many bar-b-cues occurred without the usual amount of beer. College parties alone were down by 38 per cent.

Tonight, beer has already flown from the shelves at many liquor stores. C.M. Chakmaran of U-Buy Wine and Spirits said that he has run out of all his domestic brew, and is seeing record sales of his imports. "I could not believe how much I sold tonight, and it is still a weeknight," said Chakmaran, "I cannot wait for this weekend!"

With all of the United States settling in to watch their favorite teams either triumph or get trampled, beer is once again where it should be: In the stomachs of Americans. As Mr. Chakmaran said: "I love your American Football!"