Saturday, September 2, 2006
By The Newz Czar
CINCINNATI, OHIO – Late yesterday afternoon at the Proctor & Gamble
Headquarters, company spokesperson Wilma Hausfrau announced before
reporters that one of her clients had a statement to make. At that time
Mr. Clean stepped to the podium and gave the following speech:
Good afternoon ladies and
gentlemen. I have worked for this company since 1958, appearing on
television and print ads since the day I started. Many have told me
that I personify what is to be a clean man. Well, after all these
years, I feel that it is time that I come clean. You see, I have been
living a lie. In all those commercials, I come in to the housewife's
kitchen or bathroom, or whatnot, just in the nick of time. I give her a
wink, and she cleans. The implication to housewives has always been
that this big strong man will rescue them when they are in peril, and
then maybe since the husband is not around, well, you know. I cannot
live behind this farce any longer. I must now confess that I am, and
always have been, a homosexual.
Stunned silence then filled the room as Mr. Clean stepped down. In a later follow up with Ms. Hausfrau, she stated, “[Mr. Clean] thought the time was right, now that Rosie, Ellen, and even Lance Bass have come out now”. “Besides”, said Ms. Hausfrau, “With the earring, tight t-shirt, perfect posture, and constant clean shave, who didn’t already know?”