Sunday, August 27, 2006

By The Newz Czar

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA – The launch of the space shuttle Atlantis was scrubbed Saturday due to a direct lightning strike. No one seems more upset by this news than movie action star and tabloid freak show Tom Cruise. Eyewitnesses say that Cruise and his wife Katie Holmes were in a coffee shop when he heard the news on television. Sources report that he immediately began to jump around the shop screaming “It can’t happen yet, the Great Plan is about to come to fruition.”

It is unknown what the “Great Plan” could possibly refer to, however it was reported that Holmes began to weep, laugh, then began chanting “Thank you Baby Jesus”. Holmes, who was once Catholic, is known to be studying Scientology and was thought to have given up her previous Christianity. It is unknown if  the outbursts of Cruise and Holmes are related.

One witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, reports that he heard Cruise mumble “Suri must attain {mumble} before Xenu destroys our entire space fleet {mumble} she must be allowed to {mumble}”. The witness states that at first he thought Cruise was upset about his recent expulsion from Paramount, but now thinks that the former “Top Gun” star may be a little “kooky”.

Neither Cruise, nor Holmes could be reached for statement, however Atlantis launch director Mike Leinbach gave the following statement to reporters: “I really wish Tom Cruise would distance himself from NASA”.