Wednesday, August 23, 2006

By The Newz Czar

TEHRAN, IRAN – Iran’s nuclear negotiator Ali Larijani has declared that his nation will cease all further development in its nuclear program if the United States shares certain key technology. Though the complete list of these technologies has yet to be disclosed, Larijani’s formal statement this morning explains which piece of technology he believes to be the most vital. Following is an abridged version of the statement made by Larijani translated by the Wasted Creativity Translobot 7800.

“You western nations believe you can squander all of the world’s most vital technology. The time for this must end. We will give up our intensive research into nuclear fission if, and only if, the United States reveals how to properly build a Warp Drive. We have secretly been watching your Navy’s Captains Kirk and Picard for years now, and we know that you have the ability to travel through interstellar space. We are not a stupid people. We know that we lack the resources to create our own Warp Drive, which is why we have focused on nuclear fission. You imperialists cannot have it both ways. Either allow us to continue our Uranium enrichment program, or give us your Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge to build us a functioning Warp Core. We may take that Scottish guy, but his accent is an insult to Allah.”

A source in the United Nations reports that Secretary-General Koffi Annan has firmly urged U.S. Ambassador John Bolton to “give Larijani anything he wants”.