Tuesday, August 22, 2006

By The Newz Czar

WASHINGTON DC – “Gopher deportation is the only possible explanation for America’s deficit of fossil fuels,” says a Sen. Douglas T. Yumblestump (D. Conn), Chair of the Senate Committee of Ridiculous Scientific Claims.

According to Yumblestump, “The supply of Gopher-Americans is greatly waning, and since they are the only ones willing to work in the oil-mines, our nation’s oil resources are not being exploited to reasonable efficiency. If this administration would be more conscious of the needs of Gopher-Americans, and be less interested in senseless warmongering and overt Gopher Racism, our nation could once again be the most pollution producing country in the world. Third world nations such as Barfmibia are now damaging the Earth far more than the United States can, and that does not win elections for the Enviromonster Democrats here in the States. I would just ask that this administration would be more tolerant of our Gopher-American citizens, since they do the jobs that other people in this country will not do, such as oil mining.”

Immediately following his statement, Senator Yumblestump ate a Jell-O pudding snack and said he needed to poop.